101 Uses for a Dead 7-Zark-7

By Katharine Foust


Heeeere's Zark!Since Center Neptune used 7-Zark-7 as a front for a so-called early warning Earth defense system that was really a magic eight-ball in disguise, a sudden hidden-camera investigation by a tabloid television show anchored by Roger Clinton forced the removal of the system to avoid any more embarrassment. In keeping with the commitment of environmental friendliness, however, it was decided that the 7-Zark-7 and its robotic canine companion 1-Rover-1 be recycled as many ways as possible to defray costs. Following is a partial list of the uses that have been found for the unit.

Unknown to the public, the old early warning defense system has been replaced by an Ouija board. So far, nobody has been able to tell the difference.

The list has been separated into different areas of use for a dead 7-Zark-7, like Jun's bar, on base at Crescent Coral Island, etc. Special thanks to Kathleen Coventry, Ennien Ashbrook, Wendy Dinsmore and Rob, who have come up with many more since I started this thing in my e-mail sigs. With help, maybe we can actually push this list to more than 101!


    Princess's (Jun's) Apartment/Snack J Bar

  1. Trash can under bar
  2. Soda fountain (pull the fosdic and get Dr. Pepper!)
  3. Recycling bin in back alley
  4. Beer cooler
  5. Bar stool
  6. Spittoon in bar
  7. Art deco light fixtures
  8. Men's room urinal
  9. Microbrewery beer fermentation vat
  10. Popcorn popper
  11. Dishwashing machine
  12. Clothes dryer
  13. Amplifier for punk-rock band bassist
  14. Toilet bowl
  15. Espresso machine
  16. CD jukebox
  17. Television (with fosdicks as antennas)
  18. Head as a satellite dish
  19. Fosdick as a swizzle-stick for impaled oranges in a "Sex on the Beach"
  20. Planter for the fern hanging in the corner next to the door
  21. Cash register
  22. Bongo drum for rock band
  23. Umbrella stand
  24. Early-warning defense system (waitaminnit...that was the most annoying thing about him!) Alarm system
  25. Shower stall
  26. Refrigerator
  27. Easychair ottoman


    Outside the I.S.O.

  28. Planters in grounds landscaping
  29. Mailbox
  30. Parking lot speedbumps
  31. Parking lot ticket dispensers
  32. Groundskeeper's lawnmower
  33. Zark's G-Force uniform seen strung up on the flagpole under the U.N. flag and I.S.O. emblem
  34. Zark's #7 sweater is hung below its G-Force uniform
  35. Cigarette ashcan at door (smoking is not permitted inside)


    Inside the I.S.O.

  36. Professor Nambu's new computer CPU
  37. Cuckoo clock in Nambu's office (1-Rover-1 pops out on the hour and barks)
  38. Centrifuge in I.S.O. laboratories
  39. Test subject for high-altitude gravitational kinetic energy test at ISO
  40. Liquid hydrogen container
  41. Hazardous materials container
  42. Diaper pail in day-care center
  43. Microwave oven in commissary
  44. Industrial-sized 50-gallon commissary soup kettle
  45. Trophy head on Nambu's wall (with antlers)
  46. Air conditioner unit on roof
  47. Water cooler in office
  48. Paper shredder
  49. Custodial staff's vacuum cleaner, with foot as a vacuum head and body as the canister
  50. ISO water reclamation project sewage water filter
  51. #7 Sweater used as a cleaning rag
  52. 1-Rover-1 used as a dustbuster
  53. Basketball hoop in staff's recreation area
  54. Dumbbells in same


    On Base at Crescent Coral Island

  55. Torpedoes in Phoenix
  56. Crash test dummy for prototype G-2 vehicle
  57. Oil change receptacle for vehicles' maintenance
  58. Tool box
  59. Metal in Zark's body used for heat-shield tiling on underside of Phoenix
  60. Gunnery range practice target (with Ken/Mark on bridge shouting "Pull!")
  61. Pop-up target in small-arms practice range
  62. Body used as Phoenix's landing gear hydraulic struts
  63. Foot used as wheel blocks for G-1 Eagle Sharp
  64. Overhead projector in briefing room (with an occasional malfunction: a holographic image of a girl in white whispering "Help me, Obiwan..." Engineer Kamo still hasn't figured out how to fix it)
  65. Paper shredder
  66. Nambu seen using fosdic for a pointer in briefings


    In Battle

  67. Nuclear-loaded suppository for Gallactor animal mecha du jour
  68. Ammo for battleship cannons
  69. Decoy to draw enemy fire
  70. Cover feet in fuzzy material and hang as dice over bridge of warship
  71. Land mines


    Miscellaneous Uses

  72. Comfort station in downtown Manhattan
  73. Traffic signals
  74. Airfield runway marker lights
  75. Power plant for GM's newest electrical car
  76. Speaker board menu at fast-food restaurant drive-thru
  77. Litter boxes for three cats (cross section of torso and inverted head)
  78. Object of sexual desire for Susan out on Pluto
  79. Possible candidate for threesome with R2D2 and Susan out on Pluto?
  80. Lucasfilm stuntdouble
  81. LD/CD/VHS tape storage cabinet
  82. 1-Rover-1 electric toothbrush
  83. New Volkswagen Beetle vehicle design for the new model year
  84. Sex toy for Sosai-X
  85. Footstool
  86. Casino slot machine
  87. 1-Rover-1 electric pencil sharpener
  88. Beauty salon standing hair dryer (For those extra tall beehive do's!)
  89. Tennis practice ball launcher
  90. Third-place prize in "Jeopardy" television game show contest
  91. Jungle gym in playground
  92. Gas station fuel pumps
  93. Ocean marker buoy
  94. #7 sweater used as dartboard target (impaled by several quillspike shuriken and one boomerang blade... *Ssssthwack!*)
  95. Eighteen-wheeler big rig diesel fuel stacks
  96. Shopping cart (cut off head and add wheels...it could work!)
  97. Circus prop for elephant act at Ringling Bros.
  98. #7 sweater used as bath mat or toilet seat cover
  99. Yellow G-7 cape cut up to make Princess a new shirt...
  100. ...or a pair of hotpants (Mark: "Whoa yeah!")

  101. ...And the final, but most useful way of using a dead 7-Zark-7: A wrecking ball!

Please keep adding ideas! Consider it revenge at the boob who thought it up to cover all of the editing.


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