DEEP 13
FORRESTER: I've always preferred dubs for two reasons: I can't show subtitles in the theater because the shadowrama seats get in the way, and also, where would Sandy Frank have been if subtitles had been more popular?
SOL
MIKE: That's a low blow.
DEEP 13
FORRESTER: Thank you. Your experiment today is about suffering for a cause one believes in--only it's you who'll be doing the suffering, and it's for my cause. It's an episode of "G-Force," Ted Turner's recommissioning of "Gatchaman," and it's called "Science Ninja Team Emergency!" Crow will soon regret he ever recommended dubs.
SOL
ALL: Oh no! We've got anime sign!
"G-Force! Five teenage champions, G-Force, guardians of space--fighting for good...over evil. Fighting to defend planet Earth from deadly enemies from space."TOM: So are they guardians of space, or guardians of Earth?
"Ace Goodheart, leader of the team."CROW: Ace Goodheart? So is he, like, the hero?
"Fearless as a hawk, guarding the four young agents under his command. Dirk Daring, a crack marksman with the eye of an eagle, and nerves of steel."TOM: I think he's supposed to be *daring,* guys. Because he's...Dirk Daring.
"Agatha June--flies like a dove, fights like a falcon. A match for the strongest on the team."TOM: If she were that important, you'd think the editors would have shown a picture of *her* as they said that.
"Hoot owl--Hootie to his friends--who flies the amazing rocketship Phoenix, and laughs at danger."MIKE: It's easy to laugh at danger when you're in the ship and the danger's far away.
"Peewee, small and bold as a merlin, the tiniest hawk of them all."TOM: And member of King Arthur's court.
"These are the adventures of G-Force"MIKE: So you said.
"five secret agents trained to fly like birds."TOM: Yeah, that'll happen.
"G-Force, guardians of space!"TOM: But aren't they fighting to protect Earth?
"G-Force!"MIKE: So what do you think is the name of the show, anyway?
Opening: The scene pans down from a raised highway and slowly goes underground.CROW: How convenient--while they're down here, they can bury the script.
The view settles on subway tracks, and then follows a train as it curves through the tunnel. The conductor gasps as giant claws dig up through the floor of the tunnel, grabbing the train and derailing it.CROW: Man, the subway rats are getting bigger every year.
The claws hurl one train into another, causing the cars to split apart and both trains to explode.MIKE: Who knew they used gasoline-powered trains?
The monstermech emerges fully into the tunnel, revealing itself to be a stylized mole. It begins drilling its way to the surface.MIKE: Oh, now they'll never be able to keep out the fare beaters!
The mole emerges at the surface in the middle of a crowded street.TOM: Traffic on Eighth Avenue is congested due to a large mechanical mole.
The mole's tremendous claws smash down skyscrapers.TOM: "Sir, do you have a building permit for that? I'm afraid you need a building permit..."
The mole finally shows its whole self--its long, flat forelimbs with ragged edges for claws lie stretched out to either side of its head.CROW: Oh my God! It's Ryo-oh-ki!
Inside the control room of the mecha, a man in a mole-costume surveys the city.CROW: So I should stay here and make an easy target of myself and get killed like the nineteen commanders in the previous nineteen episodes? Sounds okay to me.
Mole-Commander: Great Galactor--we are destroying the city as ordered, but we have not yet encountered G-Force. What are your instructions?
Galactor: Rest assured that G-Force will arrive. You just continue destroying the city with the mole.
Commander: Yes, sir.MIKE: Ryo-oh-ki! No!
The Mole tromps over buildings, destroys towers, and reaps destruction.
The scene changes to Dr. Brighthead's office. He looks at the audience for a moment, then reaches for his desk.MIKE: Guys, am I the only one who thinks he looks just like Dr. Clayton Forrester?
Brighthead talks to Ace Goodheart over the intercom: A giant robot in the form of a mole is attacking the city. It must be the work of Galactor.MIKE: It must be, because we have no other villains on this show.
Brighthead: I want you and the rest of G-Force to get on this immediately. This terrible monster must be stopped.CROW: I will speak rapidly, but otherwise let slip no emotion.
Ace transforms into G-1 with the typical transformation sequence.CROW: How do you turn up the reverb on your own voice?
The mole is still destroying the city, but the Phoenix approaches minus its front section. The G-2 races along beneath it.MIKE: Do you have to shout all the time?
Dirk: Sorry about this, Ace, but I'm running a little late.
Ace: No problem. Go!
The Phoenix prepares to pick up the car, but Dirk looks out the side and sees a puppy nuzzling its dead mother.CROW (as the puppy): Mommy, did you ever see the film "Alive"?
Dirk stops the car, thinks, "That puppy's all alone now." His face softens, thinks, "What's going to happen to him?"ALL: Puppy chow!
The Phoenix swoops low over the G-2 and prepares to pick it up, but Dirk swings the car around and races back the way he came.TOM: Does everyone here have to include the name of the person he's speaking to in every line, Mike?
Ace: What are you doing, Dirk? Why did you turn around?
Dirk: There's something I gotta do, Ace. I'll be right back.
Aggie: Dirk, what are you doing? Come back!
Dirk stops his car and runs toward the puppy. The puppy continues barking at the approaching mecha. Dirk is still running. The puppy is still barking. Dirk is still running. The puppy is still barking.TOM: So do you think Dirk parked a thousand meters from the puppy, or did the director just need to pad the film?
Inside the mecha, the commander looks at Dirk on his screen. Commander: He's from G-Force. Get him!CROW: What cued him in, do you think? The funky outfit, or the fact that the pounding backbeat started when he got out of his car?
The mole swings its head around toward Dirk and shoots at him. Dirk grabs the puppy and heads back out, dodging laser blasts. The Phoenix dives in and provides interference.CROW: You see, they *are* padding the film--he just took shelter behind that same piece of concrete a minute ago.
Commander: Ha! Here come the rest of them! The plan is working perfectly.
The mole continues shooting at both Dirk and the Phoenix. Dirk runs with the puppy under his arm, takes momentary shelter behind a broken piece of concrete.
Dirk hits the ground moments before a missile strikes. He cries out and begins rolling on the ground clutching at his head.MIKE: Pretty good, considering we never saw the shrapnel hit him and there's no blood.
Dirk continues rolling.
TOM: No, that's what you're supposed to do when your clothes catch fire.
Hootie: Ah, boy, look! Dirk got hit!MIKE: Ninjas are trained to say the same thing at the same time.
Ace: Turn her around, Hootie! Let's get back there on the double!
The Phoenix swings around and its screens show Dirk face-down, prone.
G-Force: Dirk.
G-Force stares stricken at the monitor. No one says anything for a moment, then:CROW: You know, for a moment I thought I almost detected an emotion in that cockpit.
Ace: Hootie, get us down there fast.
The Phoenix begins descending, but the mole attacks again. Everyone gets thrown around the cockpit.TOM: Only been around six billion years, no reason you'd have noticed it before.
Commander: Ha! We're too strong for them! This time we've got you, G-Force! ...What's that light?
Officer: The sun. It's daybreak, lieutenant.
Commander: This mole robot cannot function in sunlight. We are going to have to retreat.MIKE: Now, isn't that convenient?
Day breaks over the land, and the mole returns underground. The view pans over the driverless G-2, white in the light of sunrise.CROW: Look--it got graffitied already! You can't park anywhere nowadays.
The team is standing around their fallen comrade while the puppy barks at them. Everyone looks about to cry.TOM: Dirk's life is in danger--we'd better not check for a pulse or anything.
PeeWee: Oh, I hope he's going to be all right.
Aggie: Dirk!
Peewee picks up a stick, says to the puppy: You're the cause of this, you!MIKE: The source of the United States legal system: blame the victim.
As Peewee makes to strike the puppy, Ace grabs him by the wrist.
Ace: Peewee!
PeeWee: It's his fault!
Hootie: He's right! If he didn't try to save the puppy, Dirk wouldn't be hurt now."
Ace: You can't blame the puppy. He's just an innocent little baby. Look...CROW: If I were only a little cuter, I could take over the world.
The puppy is nuzzling Dirk's head, looking cute.
Ace: I understand why Dirk came back for the puppy. I remember something Dirk told me once. When Dirk was a young child, and the wars with Galactor had just begun, he was dazed by an explosion. He was fortunate enough to be saved by a kindhearted pilot who returned to save him.TOM (sobbing): That's so irrelevant!
Aggie throws herself over Dirk's body, crying.CROW (also crying): He still owes me ten dollars!
Aggie: Dirk! Poor Dirk!
Dirk moves, then subsides again.MIKE: Not that I'm a doctor anything. Not that I even touched him yet.
PeeWee: Hey! He's moving!
Ace: Aggie, he's going to be all right.
They turn Dirk over, and Hootie lifts him from the ground.TOM: He's had a head injury! Quick! Jerk his spine around!
Ace: Dirk, you hold on--we'll get you to a hospital.TOM: If it's a city hospital, he'll have to wait in the emergency room for ten hours and then die anyway.
PeeWee: What about the pup? What'll we do with him?CROW (as the puppy): Would now be a bad time to tell him I'm not paper trained?
Ace: I don't know.
Dirk (whispering): The puppy....you can't leave him....
Ace: Well, now little fellow, I guess we can't leave you.
The puppy looks mournfully at Ace, and Ace returns the look.MIKE: Man--the puppy shows more emotion than they do!
The image of the puppy fades to an image of Dirk lying in a hospital bed.CROW: It's hard to say--I can't read the charts because my head is so bright.
Ace: How's he doing now? Is he going to be all right?
Hootie: Is he okay, Doctor Brighthead?
Brighthead: Well--
Brighthead: Look at this X-ray.CROW: Like most Sicilians', Dirk's head is solid bone.
Brighthead walks to an X-ray taped to the wall showing a skull and upper torso.
Brighthead: As you can see, there is a piece of shrapnel lodged in his skull, dangerously close to his brain. If we go in there to operate, he won't make it.TOM: What else is in the skull? Where's it lodged, in his sinuses?
Ace: Well, what are we going to do?MIKE: Ah, the fine precision work of the centrifuge.
Brighthead: Ace, I'm afraid there's only one alternative. Ace: What's that?
Brighthead: We can put him in the centrifuge at the Science Research center to try to dislodge the piece without operating.
Brighthead: It's risky, but it's our only hope.ALL: It always is.