MST3K: G-Force, "Science Ninja Team Emergency!" Continues...

Ace: Dr. Brighthead, we know that you're doing everything in your power to pull Dirk through this, and we want you to know that we have complete faith in your abilities. And if you think the force of the centrifuge is the safest way to remove the shrapnel, then we're behind you one hundred percent.

TOM: Ace, SHUT UP!

Ace: You gotta pull him through--you gotta!

MIKE: Someone tell me when he slipped out of the pep-talk and into slang.
TOM: It's because he's a cool teenager. Cool teenagers talk that way.

Dr. Brighthead: I'll do all that I can.
Shot of the four of them, focus on Ace.
Ace: Make it, Dirk.
View of the centrifuge.
Dr. Brighthead: This is the same centrifuge on which you were all trained.

TOM: Trained to do what? Lift and separate?
CROW: Well, maybe Aggie was trained there.
MIKE: Be good, guys.

Dr. Brighthead: As you know, its rapid rotation creates an extremely powerful centripetal force. That force throws things outward. Let's hope it will be strong enough to dislodge the shrapnel.

CROW: Maybe it will exert so much force that the shrapnel will fly out and hit the doctor in the head!

Dirk is sealed into the centrifuge. Dr. Brighthead seats himself at the console beside a technician.
Brighthead: Start it up.

CROW: If he's using a centrifuge, I guess that makes Brighthead a *spin* doctor!

The centrifuge begins to spin while the team looks on. Brighthead watches Dirk on the monitor while the techie watches the other readings.
Brighthead: We're going to have to increase the centripetal force.

MIKE: Why not, considering that as fast as its spinning now, it wouldn't separate water and oil.

The centrifuge spins faster. A moment later, Brighthead says: Go to maximum rotation!
Techie: But Doctor, at maximum rotation, he may not be able to take the pressure!

TOM: And his insurance won't cover it, sir!

Brighthead: Increase it!

MIKE: I love developing experimental medical techniques and having a patient whose next of kin is me!

Techie: Well, all right.
The centrifuge keeps spinning. The backbeat returns. The team looks away as though watching is painful. The view changes to a needle at maximum reading and a flashing red light.

TOM: Fries are up!

They slow the centrifuge. Dr. Brighthead gives the word to stop, and the red light stops flashing; a green one starts. Brighthead stands and raises a lever that stops the machine. The team draws closer.
Team: Did it work?

TOM: The Astonishing Simultaneous Tandem Ninja Question--none may withstand its force.

Brighthead waits for a long, tense, drawn-out moment before saying: No, there's no change at all.

ALL: D'oh!

The team looks down, their hopes dashed. Brighthead leans on the console for a moment, head dropped.

An ISO officer runs into the room.
Officer: Doctor Brighthead, the giant mole robot has returned to the city. We've tried everything to stop it, but it's too powerful.
Brighthead (to the team): You are our only chance to stop it.

TOM: Only you can prevent forest fires.

PeeWee: Not me. I'm staying here.
Aggie: Me too. We can't leave Dirk in this condition.
Hootie: They're right.

CROW: Yeah, that's right! Finally some team spirit!
TOM: It almost makes me want to join the team myself.

Ace: No, they're not.

TOM: Well, there goes my one moment of sympathy.

Aggie: But Ace!
Ace: We are G-Force.

ALL: Yeah, yeah, we know.

Ace: We're sworn to do our duty no matter what. Let's go get this one for Dirk.
View pans over the team. Heads down, they stand for a moment.
Brighthead: I'll do everything possible for him.

TOM: Put him out of his misery.
CROW: Yeah--did it occur to anyone that if he has to listen to Ace's speeches all the time, he might prefer having his head riddled with shrapnel?

PeeWee: We'll be back as soon as we can.
Ace runs for the door; the others follow at a walk.
Brighthead: I pray I'll have good news for them.
The team leaves the room, and as they do so, Dirk begins to rouse, moving his head around beneath the bandages.

CROW: And no one notices--it's not as if he's lying in a glass coffin or anything.

Elsewhere, the mole mecha attacks a refinery and causes tremendous explosions. Conventional fighter jets are deployed and summarily destroyed.

MIKE: I guess it just didn't pay to get that ROTC scholarship.

The mole swings around to face the horizon and discovers the Phoenix approaching.
Mole Commander: Ah, G-Force returns. With one of their men injured, it should be easy to finish them off.

CROW: Hey--how'd they know about Dirk?
TOM: He must have read the rest of the script.

The view focuses on the front of the Phoenix, where the G-2 is conspicuously missing.

MIKE: It'll be real easy to finish them off because they neglected to put their plane together.
TOM (as Ace): Who'd have thought we'd need to fire our weapons?

On the Phoenix's monitors, the mole mecha stands tall and imposing, surrounded by flames. The view lingers on this image for several seconds.
Ace (off camera): There it is.

TOM: Ah, the wonder of the dub.
CROW: What's that supposed to mean?
TOM: Oh, nothing.

Hootie: Oh, without Dirk there's no way we can beat it.
Ace: Hoot Owl, don't ever let me hear you talk like that. We'll beat this monster. It'll be rough without Dirk, but we'll do it.

TOM: With inspiring pep-talks like that, it's a wonder Galactor didn't take over in the third episode.

PeeWee: Yeah, but Dirk's the only expert with our bird missiles, and if we have to go to firebird mode we'll never make it without him.

TOM: Again, this is an example of a hack dub-job. They can't fire the bird missiles without Dirk's car, and oops, they forgot to go get it.
MIKE: They didn't forget--there was still half an hour on the meter.

Aggie: He's right. We can't defeat that robot without Dirk.

MIKE (as Ace): Yeah, well if he's so wonderful, why isn't he your leader, huh? Is his name Ace Goodheart? And anyway, the producers like me best.
Back at the hospital, Dirk climbs out of the centrifuge and staggers to the hallway.

TOM: Huh. It's not exactly Alcatraz.

Dirk stumbles down the hall and out of the building. After there's no wall to lean against, he crawls along the ground toward his car in the foreground.

CROW: Must...reach...tailpipe...
TOM: The terrible truth about HMO's.
MIKE: Shouldn't have said...I had...US Healthcare...

Meanwhile, the noseless Phoenix flies along the ground, following a path of earth that's been pushed up by the mole mecha.

MIKE: You don't exactly need a bloodhound to track the thing, do you?
TOM: I don't get it--if it's like a mole in every respect, why isn't it blind?
CROW: That's right! And since when do moles eat puppies?
MIKE: Now you're getting silly.
TOM: Right, and this show is the pinnacle of seriousness.

The mole emerges from the ground and swipes at the Phoenix, then fires its laser eyes, striking the plane's hull. Everyone is thrown around the cockpit.
Commander: We are much too strong for you. You cannot defeat us. You must surrender.
Ace: G-Force doesn't surrender.

ALL: Hurrah.

The mole opens its weapons ports and fires ten missiles at the Phoenix.

MIKE: Okay, okay, we surrender!

Ace and Hootie are shown in a rocking cockpit as one of the missiles strikes. It's obviously one cell being rotated as opposed to a real scene, but that's too cheap a shot for even Mike and the 'bots, so they make no comment other than a few giggles.
Ace: That one caught us! Get us stabilized!
Aggie: Ace! Look at this!
What Aggie has on her monitor is an image of the G-2 racing toward them.

CROW: Wait a minute--that image is taken from the ground in front of the G-2--Dirk's going to run over the camera crew!
TOM: And you object to this?

Ace: It's Dirk!

CROW: I'm beginning to see what you mean about dubs, Servo.

Ace: Hootie, turn on your scanner! Dirk's car's out there!
Hootie: Can't be! It is!
The view pans to the other monitor, where we find the doctor.
Brighthead: Team, Dirk's left the hospital and was last seen driving toward the city, so I'm sure he's gone to join you. We've got to get him back to the hospital.
Ace: He's here sir. We'll pick him up.
Hootie: Sure will.

MIKE: Just as long as there aren't any stray cats in the area.
CROW: Any baby birds fallen from their nests.
TOM: A worm drowning in a puddle.
MIKE: A newspaper ad from the SPCA. The world's full of dangers to someone like Dirk.

The Phoenix swoops low over the G-2, which is weaving all over the road. Dirk is driving hunched over the wheel.

MIKE: Congratulations--bleeding, speeding, passing out at the wheel--you're ready to start a career as a New York cabbie.

The Phoenix descends to within twenty feet of the car.

CROW: Aah! They're going to land on him! Dirk's going to die! Oh...

The Phoenix picks up the G-2 and encloses it within the nose. Dirk makes his way into the cockpit. He collapses into the arms of Ace and Aggie.
Ace and Aggie: Dirk!
Aggie: Oh, Dirk! You should be in the hospital!

MIKE: Are you crazy? Have you ever been in a city hospital? It's safer here with a two hundred ton robotic mole firing nuclear missiles at us.

Dirk is still reeling in pain, but manages to speak in a whisper: I'll be all right, just let me help you beat this mole robot.

TOM: Sure, a battle to the death. That's what cures a concussion.

Ace: Dirk, let us take you down. It's too dangerous for you up here. You can't stay.

CROW (as Dirk): We're over upper Manhattan! That's even more dangerous than a city hospital!

Dirk: No, Ace, I'm a member of G-Force. I've got an important job to do, and I'm going to do it.

TOM: Boy, they've got him snowed.

Ace: But Dirk!
Dirk: I'm gonna do it.

TOM: Nike.

Ace's eyes well up with tears, and in typical melodramatic fashion, a tremendous tear lands on Dirk's upturned face.

CROW: Rats--is the roof leaking again?

Ace: Hold him, Aggie! (Dirk writhes in pain.) Don't worry, Dirk--we'll get you back to the hospital soon.

MIKE: What are you, the spokesman for the AMA? Shut up about the hospital! We know!

Hootie: There's no sign of the mole robot anywhere!
Ace: Take her down for a good look.

CROW: Why bother? While you guys were horsing around inside the ship, that thing could have gone all the way to Australia.

The mole mecha reaches up from beneath the ground and grabs the Phoenix so it can't get away. Ace rushes to the front of the cockpit.
Hootie: We'll be crushed.
Ace: Full power!
While the mole attempts to crush the Phoenix, Hootie and Ace pull together on the same lever.

MIKE: Did you know that if two people push on the same control, the ship moves twice as powerfully?
TOM: I did not know that.

Mole Commander: Finally, G-Force is at our mercy. Galactor will be very pleased when I hand G-Force over to him.

TOM: He may even allow me to take off this ridiculous mole-mask.

Hootie: We're going to have to use the bird missile to get out of this.
PeeWee: It's too dangerous--we're so close!
Dirk begins crawling up to the front of the cockpit.

CROW: Oh no, Dirk's having a 'Nam flashback!
MIKE: Good job of watching him, Aggie.

Ace: We can't take the chance of firing the bird missile at this range with Dirk aboard.
Hootie looks down and sees Dirk crawling up to the console, reaching up to the control panel.
Hootie: Dirk!
Ace looks down and gets an instant look of horror as he sees Dirk push the red button. The missile fires, and as it strikes, the mole lets go of the Phoenix, which flips around. The explosion sends the Phoenix rocketing away.

MIKE: Oh, great. I see where this is going.

The inside of the cockpit is shown spinning rapidly--more rapidly than the centrifuge, in case anyone hadn't figured it out by now. Ace pushes a lever, and the ship stabilizes.

CROW: Oh, sure, great commander. Why didn't you do that before.

Ace turns around and finds Dirk prone with Aggie by his side. As he runs to the back of the cockpit, he kicks a twisted piece of metal.
Ace: Could...this be? Yes! It is! The shrapnel's out!

MIKE: We can tell by the shrapnel-shaped exit wound.
TOM: Remarkably unbloody for something embedded in someone's skull only thirty seconds ago.
CROW: The trouble was, Dirk was facing the wrong way, and the centripetal force pushed it out through his nose.
MIKE: Crow, was that necessary?

Peewee leaps up on his seat and throws his arms up in the air, saying, Yay!

ALL: The show's nearly over! Yay!

Ace: Dirk? Can you hear me? The explosion shook the shrapnel out of the wound!
Dirk: I'm okay. Where's the puppy?

MIKE: Ha, ha--such devotion.
TOM: Kill him.

Brighthead: Right here, Dirk.

ALL: Aah!
CROW: Warn us when you're watching on the monitor!

Dr. Brighthead has the puppy on his lap as he speaks into the monitor.
Brighthead: Now that the shrapnel's out, Ace, he's going to be fine.

TOM: I can tell without even examining him. God, I love being a doctor and speaking with authority I don't have.

Brighthead: You have made me very proud of you all once again, especially under these very difficult circumstances.

CROW: For example, the puppy just peed on my lap.

Brighthead: You have proven that a united G-Force can and will defeat the evil forces of Galactor.

MIKE: You get the impression that it's a concluding speech?
TOM: One can only hope.

Brighthead: By the way, Dirk's doing very well here in the hospital, G-Force,and should be joining you very soon.

TOM: Despite the fact that he's obviously still in the Phoenix. Boy, I love playing God.

Brighthead: And by the way, we found a good home for the puppy.

CROW: There's a cosmetics lab that's going to spray perfume in its eyes for test purposes.
MIKE: Okay, you--someone here needs a time-out.

Doors closing--1-2-3-4-5-6

SOL
TOM: So you see, Mike, subs are inherently better than dubs, and that's my final argument.
CROW: Don't listen to him, Mike--dubs are inherently better, and that's my final argument.
MIKE: You guys sure convinced me. What about you, Doctor Forrester?

DEEP 13
FORRESTER (bowing before an altar with the pictures of Sandy Frank and Carl Macek on either side of a burning candle): All hail! All hail!


Mystery Science Theater 3000 and the characters therein are copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc. G-Force is copyrighted to Ted Turner. No harm is intended toward any individuals or corporations because of this MSTing, so please don't anyone sue me. I'd like to thank Kathleen Coventry and James Lebak for assisting in the project.
--Jane


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