WITH DUE APOLOGIES TO MONTY PYTHON...
SCENE: A round table in the Sails pavilion of the San Diego Convention Center, during Comic Con. JAMES, a collector of Tatsunoko merchandise, places a large box of Gatchaman goods he wants to sell, while the rest of the FANS, clad in GatchaCon t-shirts, cluster around. The neighboring table is filled by a group of KLINGONS in full regalia.JAMES: Here's the extra Tatsunoko stuff I have for sale.
FAN #2: Cool!
FAN #1: What kind of Gatchaman stuff have you got?
JAMES: Well, there's the Gatchaman bird signal t-shirt; the Gatchaman t-shirt with the G-emblem; the G-emblem and Ken; wireframe globe design and Ken; the Star-Wars ripoff poster with Ken; Gatchaman Fighter poster of Ken and his sword; telephone cards of Ken; antique tin toy of Ken, Ken watering can, Ken piggy bank, Ken plush toy Ken cell phone strap and Ken....
KLINGONS (starting to sing): Ken Ken Ken Ken...
JAMES: ...Plastic dish set with Ken; juice glasses with Ken, bento box with Ken...
KLINGONS (singing): Ken! Fabulous Ken! Wonderful Ken!
JAMES: ...And a special order from Tatsunoko Productions for a one-half scale statue of Ken crouching heroically.
FAN #2: Have you got anything without Ken?
JAMES: Well, there're two posters with Jun, Joe and Ken, that's not got much Ken in it.
FAN #2: I don't want ANY Ken!
FAN #1: What about that Gatchaman eraser?
FAN #2: THAT'S Ken! Look!
FAN #1: But it's green. Isn't Ryu green or something? I thought Ken was white. Or red.
FAN #2: He's holding a sword, dummy. Only Ken gets to fight with a sword.
KLINGONS: Ken Ken Ken Ken (crescendo through next few lines)
FAN #2: Could you sell me this PVC action figure set without the Ken, then?
JAMES: Urgghh!
FAN #2: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like Ken!
KLINGONS: Fabulous Ken! Wonderful Ken!
JAMES: Shut up!
KLINGONS: Fabulous Ken! Wonderful Ken!
JAMES: Shut up! (KLINGONS stop) Stupid Klingons! You can't buy the set without the Ken.
FAN #2 (shrieks): I DON'T LIKE KEN!
FAN #1: Sshh, don't cause a fuss. I'll take your Ken. I love Ken--he's the hero! I'm getting the Ken piggy bank, Ken watering can, Ken cell phone strap, tin toy Ken and that cool toy where you hang Ken from the ceiling from a string and turn on a propeller on his butt.*
KLINGONS (singing): Ken Ken Ken Ken. Fabulous Ken! Wonderful Ken!
JAMES: SHUT UP!! I'm letting that go for a steal.
FAN #1: So what's the total, then?
JAMES: You mean for the Ken watering can, the Ken piggy bank, the tin toy Ken, the flying Ken, the KenŠ (but it is too late and the KLINGONS drown out his words)
KLINGONS (singing elaborately): Ken Ken Ken Ken. Fabulous Ken! Wonderful Ken! Ken Ke-e-e-e-e-en Ken Ke-e-e-e-e-an Ken. Wonderful Ken! Fabulous Ken! Heroic Ken! Fantastic Ken! Ubiquitous Ken! Ken Ken Ken Ken!
Two women dressed in nun's habits march up to the con table. One is pulling a wagon carrying a large stake and some firewood. The other is holding a thick book with the words, "OFFICIAL SCRIPTS" and the Tatsunoko emblem in gold on the cover. The KLINGONS stop singing. Ominous fanfare sounds.
NUN #2 (chanting): Homina, homina, domine Gatchaman script immaculata....
NUN #1: NO ONE expects the Fannish Imposition!
FANS and KLINGONS stare at them politely.
NUN #1: Er, didn't you hear me? I said NO ONE--
NUN #2: This isn't the Top Cow lunch table?
JAMES: No. Sorry.
NUN #1: Drat.
NUNS march off. NUN #2 says: Told you we should have looked for the udder banner.
NUN #1: Or posters for udderly bad comics. Or heroines with huge--
NUN #2: Watch it. You'll be saying two dozen "Hail Tatsuo's" for that one.
COW (Offscreen): MOOOOOOO!
SUBTITLE: "IT'S...."
THE END
* Note: This, and the other merchandise mentioned in this skit actually exist. However, you cannot order the half-scale crouching Ken from Tatsunoko. Sorry.
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