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Note: I hate articles that spread gloom and doom, yet don't tell you what you can do about it. Below, you'll find some common sense suggestions to help you deal with the angst.

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Etiquette Hell

Pick up any book or article on Japanese etiquette, and you'll find yourself snowed under with rules. There are ways to hold your chopsticks, enter and exit an elevator (least important person stands near the door), give your money to a cashier, present gifts to Japanese acquaintances, even say hello (do you know the three politeness levels and the degree you should bow?). And Japan is such an ancient and dignified culture that you know you're going to commit some sort of gross gaffe and offend every Japanese person around for blocks. It's enough to make you get back on that airplane and head home, where at least you know the rules. Or maybe you've been here for a few years, but you've just changed your job from that of English instructor to shinnyushain (new employee) in a Japanese company. Uh oh, now there's business etiquette to worry about. Where in the meeting room are you supposed to sit? How do you delicately and discreetly offer an opinion/ask for a day off? Can you leave the building before the boss goes home? You just know you're going to commit some grave error and lose face on your first day at work, right?

Well, don't worry about it. Here's why:

1. The Japanese expect you to commit some faux pas. You'll disappoint them if you don't. ;-) Besides, foreigners (especially Americans) are supposed to be unconcerned about trampling on a society's manners. If you act too considerate and nervous, all you'll do is confuse people. ;-)

2. Go to any train station and look around you. See the guy with the finger up his nose? The kid spitting on the platform? The two women puffing on their cigarrettes right in front of a "No Smoking" sign? Now think: why are you feeling so behaviorally-challenged?

3. If you follow the advice of the illustrious Miss Manners, you'll note that she advocates common sense. Make sure you have it, then use it. It'll never steer you wrong.

4. In a business situation, use your assumed ignorance to your best advantage. For example, if your work is done, go home before the boss does, and save yourself the lost hours of sleep/the inevitable hangover from the obligatory drinking session after work. If doing that offends your sense of morals, ask one of your coworkers.

5. Here are some extremely Basic Manners. Once you've got these all down, you're all set!

Culture Shock!

Life in Japan can sometimes be absolute hell. There are days when coping with the stares, the stupid comments, the strangers that approach you for free English lessons and the "Nihongo wa joozu desu neh!" ("Isn't your Japanese wonderful!") responses are close to impossible, and all you want to do is hide out in your 1DK and watch videos. If you experience these feelings over long periods of time, you may be suffering from culture shock.

The typical gaijin reaction to life in Japan has many phases. First you feel shock and disorientation. Everything is new and different and frightening. Everyone seems to be staring at you, and you feel awkward and out of place. This is followed by the "honeymoon phase," where you begin learning Japanese and making friends. Everything you do is a unique and wonderful adventure (and you happily bore your relatives to death with endless Japan stories). Finally there is assimilation and acceptance, where you fit in smoothly with your surroundings.

Contrary to popular belief, culture shock never goes away. These stages continue to cycle--you go from assimilation and acceptance to a stage called, "I can't handle this anymore," and must bear it out until the honeymoon phase returns. The best way to cope is to recognize the symptoms (depression, overeating and oversleeping, and the desire to escape by staying home and reading or watching videos), accept them for what they are, and move on to the next step. Take walks in your neighborhood. Go to the movies. Go hiking in the mountains. Or best of all, join a sports club, where you can work off stress, meet people and get in shape. If you can't afford a health club membership, many cities have municipally sponsored health facilities that you can visit either free or for a very low price.

If you find it especially hard to cope, contact The Japan Helpline for counseling and information. Or try the Tokyo English Life Line (TELL), which I personally recommend. They provide all sorts of background info, counseling services at reasonable rates, or just someone who will listen. Their main number is (03) 5774-0992, and their hours are 9:00-16:00, 19:00-23:00 year round.

The Big One

California residents can sympathize with the Japanese in this regard: all of us are waiting for The Big One, the next massive earthquake that's bound to kill us all. The Great Hanshin Earthquake that destroyed the city of Kobe on January 17, 1995 drove home the sense of impending doom with remarkable clarity. Seismologists had believed Kobe was a quiet spot, and that they could predict the next major quake early enough to warn the public. Engineers believed their high rise buildings and elevated highways and rail lines could withstand the force of a powerful quake. They were wrong. Media people point to the destruction in Kobe--the mashed structures and raging fires that killed over 5,000 people--and predict that it will be fifty times worse when the three plates beneath the Kanto Plain decide to do the tango. "WE'RE NEXT!" they shriek, "AND IT COULD HIT TODAY!" So how do you cope?

• Collect emergency supplies and put them in a safe place:
  1. A fire extinguisher (you should have one of these anyway)

  2. Canned or packaged food (something that keeps for a long time)

  3. Can opener (manual)

  4. Fresh water (store in PET bottles or large plastic tanks)

  5. Spare clothing and blankets

  6. Spare cash (remember, the banks will be out of commission for a while)

  7. Originals or copies of important documents (birth certificates, passports, etc.)

  8. Garbage bags (the black, heavy-gauge kind, not the kind authorized by the city of Tokyo) Good for building improvised shelters and making raincoats, collecting water, carrying things, and waste disposal (some garbage bags and a little ingenuity can create an efficent makeshift porta-potty)

• Review escape routes and earthquake procedures outlined in your city or ward guidebook, or check with your neighbors.

• Get your religious affairs in order.

• Then forget about it until it happens.

Finally, don't start getting heart palpitations the moment the ground starts to twitch a little. More often than not, it's a minor tremor. When The Big One strikes... you'll know.

Substance Abuse

In short, if you are a nonsmoker, a teetotaler or both, you will have a rough time in Japan. Let's look at alcohol first:

Drinking

• Social drinking is a part of business. After work you get together with bosses and clients, "let your hair down" and get all friendly. The alcohol is your ticket to freedom from the usual business behavior, but business is business, and promises made in bars are stuck to.

• Since the major cities of Japan all rely heavily on public transportation, the dangers associated with drunk driving are eliminated. (Drunk walking and drunk bicycling are still a problem, though you cause less damage when you hit something.)

• Foreigners are supposed to hold their liquor better than Japanese, and your Japanese friends will want to find this out for themselves.

So what can you do about it? Fake your drinking. Drink spring water and oolong tea. Drink your beer more slowly than everyone else. If all else fails, just say no.

Smoking

Smoking... now there's a problem. Asia is the smoking capital of the world, and Japan is its ashtray. Approximately 60% of the adult population smokes. You'll see restaurants, bars and offices with sticky yellow walls. No smoking signs are routinely ignored, and Japanese society has been trained not to make a fuss about it. Throngs of salarymen stroll the streets, nonchalantly waving their cancer sticks and leaving you choking in their exhaust. Is there anything you can do about it?

• Stay home. Sorry, but that's about it.

• Join a Japanese anti-smoking group. Misery loves company.

• Creative visualization can help you cope. What if you had ESP and could make every lit cigarette you see on the train platform explode? What if you had a high-pressure water gun and could run incredibly fast? Heh, heh, heh...

• Here's a list of restaurants in the Tokyo and Yokohama area that are either smoke-free or have nonsmoking sections. Special thanks to the folks at fj.life.in-japan for this information.

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Japan Page and its contents (c) Wendy Dinsmore/Studio Chronic 1995-2006