Here are the things that sometimes drive me stark raving buggo!

Train Commuting and Rush Hour Hell

Major cities in Japan have extremely efficient railway systems--so efficient that 90% of the population seems to use them... all at the same time. Rush hour means train cars crammed to 300% capacity with human cargo, and if it wasn't so hard to get off in time for a stop, there'd probably be people lying up in the storage racks above the seats. Of course, this means that you spend your commuting hours jammed up against all sorts of strangers, some of which have some truly annoying habits. Such as...

The Candy Sucker

Yes, I know he's (the culprit is usually male, and over 30 years of age) enjoying his candy, that it must taste heavenly, and every nuance, every aroma, every element of his flavored corn syrup concoction must be appreciated to the fullest. But does he have to let the entire damn car know about it? There are special techniques used for maximum annoying effect:

1. Keep your mouth open at all times. If you must close your mouth, smack your lips loudly.

2. Roll the candy around your mouth, letting it bounce and clatter off your teeth.

3. Clenching the candy between your molars, suck air through the sides of your mouth as hard as you can: *SSSSHHHHHLLLKKKKK!* Results are better if you can work a little saliva in for extra bubbly effect.

4. Remember, it's nice to share. Breathe through your mouth and let everyone around you enjoy the wonderful aroma of the herbal cough drop you're playing with. They might even think you're eating it because you have a cold and are contagious, which will add to the mystique.

Similar to the Candy Sucker is the Gum Chewer, who sucks as well as chews. However, these are fewer in number in Japan than in the United States, a place where obnoxious gum chewing has been elevated to an art form.

The Teeth Sucker

Similar to the Candy Sucker, but louder. Usually a man or woman over forty, who is hell-bent on rooting the last of their breakfast seaweed out from between their teeth. Between the loud clucking and sucking, it's amazing bystanders can hear themselves think.

The Nose Whistler

Tokyo must be Deviated Septum Central, because I have never heard so many men with telescoping nasal passages gathered in one place. Somehow some men's sinuses are engineered so that a high, irritating whine resonates through the cavity whenever they inhale. Some can whistle in more than one tone. Some truly gifted individuals can be heard all the way across the car. Some make dogs howl for blocks as the train passes. Sure, they can't help it, but that doesn't make the sound any less maddening.

Most of these annoyances can be alleviated through the use of a Walkman and a good music tape. However, there are others to take their place:

Halitosis Hell

There is something to be said for the habit of brushing one's teeth in the morning after breakfast. Too bad more people don't do it. And the culprits usually 1) had a breakfast consisting entirely of pickled garlic or gyoza (also known as potstickers, very garlic-intensive); 2) had imbibed a two-liter bottle of industrial-grade sake the previous night, and probably spent the time before the train ride kneeling before the porcelain portal; or 3) haven't brushed their teeth since they left home and Okaasan had to remind them (20 years ago).

The Stealth Bomber

Japan, stress, and digestive problems go hand in hand. Too bad one of the sufferers happens to be standing a mere two centimeters from your nose, and odors have a tendency to rise...

The Chikan

Means "groper" in Japanese. I know that's not your briefcase, pal. Get it out of my personal space.

The Obatalian

An uncomplimentary term that's a cross between obaasan ("old woman") and "battalion" (as in battleship, battle axe, you get the idea). Used to describe a middle-aged to elderly woman who's had it with etiquette in general, and is out to mow down anybody who gets in her way. As a matter of fact, she'll maneuver people into her way just so she can mow them down. Obatalians usually travel in groups (gaggles?), and when they're not shoving, stepping on or knocking over innocent bystanders, they're either gossiping or complaining at the top of their lungs. ("I can't believe how crowded this stupid train is," one crows as she slams six people against the seats.) Obatalians should be avoided at all costs because no force on Earth can stop them.

The Eager Beaver

This bozo is in such a hurry to get off the train (though who could blame him?) that the moment the car begins to slow, he places his elbow in the small of your back and begins shoving toward the nearest exit. Never mind that you're already smashed so hard against the closed door, you can't move. Where does he think he's going? You wish you could tell him.

The Sleeper

A side effect of the Japanese tendency to fall asleep instantly when riding within a moving vehicle. Let's say you found yourself a seat--great! You must take full advantage of such a rare occurrence and enjoy the ride for once... And *CLUNK!* You think, OW! Hey! Hey you! Get your head off my shoulder! Here, let me elbow you in the ribs to wake you up. Thank you. Now... *CLUNK!* HEY...! It's even worse if it's a salaryman who's slicked back his hair with what must have been a family sized container of petroleum jelly. Blechh!

Spread the Joy Around

Years ago, people with colds wore surgical style masks as a courtesy to keep other people from catching them. Or is that the other way around? Either way, the tradition is fading and the trains are now a breeding ground for all kinds of bacteria. Everyone knows that misery loves company, so when you come up with a strain of the Asian Creeping Crud, why not show off your accomplishment by giving it to everyone around you? Here's how:

1. Don't cover your mouth when you sneeze. Just spray into your open manga or newspaper, then put the periodical on the overhead luggage rack for the next lucky reader. Same goes with coughing, the bubblier the better.

2. Don't bother with the periodical. Spray a bystander.

3. Or spray into your open hand, then grab onto a ring. Picking your nose before you do this gains you extra points.

4. Best of all, be sure to loudly hawk up the largest wad of phlegm you can possibly dredge from the depths of your bronchial passages, and spew it on the platform for the world to admire. Even better, do it on the stairs where people will be forced to look at it. If they don't catch anything from it, at least they will feel ill anyway.

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Other Places

The Spitter

See "Spread the Joy Around," above. Spitting is not limited to gender or age group--I once saw an older woman in an elegant kimono spitting wads on the curbside. The best place for it seems to be the train station, the street or the back alley behind some restaurant or place that sells food (yummy!). Be sure to announce your intention to spit by hawking as loudly as you can without drawing blood.

The Strolling Smoker

These people REALLY yank my chain. Now I have nothing against smokers and smoking (or at least I didn't until I moved to a country that's too small to breathe in). If people want to increase their risk of lung cancer, stink up their clothes and turn their walls yellow with tar stains, that's fine. Just don't make me breathe your exhaust!

Problem is, Japan is too small and crowded a country for smoking, and the nonsmokers are the silent minority (last estimate done by a local ad agency for marketing purposes, 60% of Japanese adults smoke). People are only now beginning to see the disadvantages, and the occasional non-smoking section or restaurant is popping up. Some companies even have non-smoking offices. But go anywhere else, and there's no escape. "Kin en" ("No Smoking") signs on train platforms are only suggestions that are routinely ignored. Restaurants? Hah!

And the great outdoors, the last bastion of freedom--of semi-clean air--is now polluted by herds of strolling smokers.They gather at stoplights, busily puffing up clouds of blue smoke. They stroll blithely along, waving their smoldering cancer sticks to cover the most airspace possible, and maybe to catch in the clothing of passersby. They toss their spent butts on the ground to burn themselves out. And what can you do? Try to get downwind and the wind changes. Escape one, and another appears. Is there no way out?

I often dream of roaming the platforms armed with a high-pressure water gun, or with the telekinetic ability to make lit cigarettes explode in their smokers' mouths. Ah, to dream....

The Ambassador

There's one in every crowd. You know this well if you happen to be obviously "American-looking" (i.e. caucasian or black); you've seen them plenty of times, and they're not limited to gender or age group. They usually have two or more friends with them, and find this a great opportunity to show off their English ability. You've never seen them before in your life, but suddenly they're calling to you as if you were a stray puppy. "Harro! Hiiii! (Heeeeeere, Fido!) Where you from? Ha, ha, ha... This is a pen, I am a boy... ha, ha, ha..." ("Hey guys, check out the effect of my English on this foreigner! Wonder why she's snarling? Must be custom, ha, ha, ha..."). Wouldn't you like to, just once, demonstrate to them why in your country it's considered rude and dangerous to speak to strangers?