Toilets and Technology
Don't worry--the toilet humor on this page is relatively clean! In Japan, using the toilet is always an adventure. You don't know, no matter where you're going, what you'll wind up with. Technological marvels with heated seats, built-in bidets (and blow dryers!) alternate with Edo-style holes in the ground; conventional (Western) yoshiki alternate with old washiki squat toilets, and the expensiveness or quality of the place you're visiting has little bearing on what's in the bathroom. I've visited ancient thatched-roof farmhouses that offered the latest technological wonders (in a drafty little room beneath a single naked light bulb) and fine homes that still had the equivalent of a Porta-potty.Rate the Restroom: This was a game my friends and I played when we went out, partly for survival and partly for entertainment (usually after a few beers). The Best: The beer garden at the Asahi Beer Hall, Tokyo (the building in Asakusa that looks like a giant golden poop on a black pedestal). I had to send my friends in there for the sheer entertainment value. Brushed aluminum everything, shiny black ultramodern fixtures, invisible automatic controls, strategic spotlights... If Darth Vader had a private restroom aboard the Death Star, this is what it would have looked like. The Worst: 6th Station, Mount Fuji. No doubt the summer heat and crowds at the beginning of climbing season had a lot to do with this, but that facility achieved a level of disgusting I've found unmatched anywhere else. Breathing not recommended. Also, if you can, avoid the train station restrooms on major thoroughfares like Shinjuku, Ikebukuro, Ueno, and particularly Akihabara, especially on Friday nights when the mass drinking starts. Trust me.
The Day the Toilet Fought Back: In 1994, I was invited to a family home in Akishima (near Yokota Air Force Base) to celebrate the New Year with some friends and to act as interpreter between the Japanese family and a large group of Air Force folks who belonged in the same Kendo dojo. The party started off relatively restrained, with the Americans speaking quietly, appreciating the food and avoiding the beer and liquor supplied on the table. I suspect the guests were mostly nervous about offending the hosts, and were trying to act with as much decorum as they could. The hosts were trying to figure out why we weren't behaving like "typical Americans." Plus the language barrier strained things a little bit. Somewhere in the middle of this party, one of the American guests excused himself to use the facilities and was gone for an unusually long time. He finally showed back at the dining room, looking very sheepish and drenched from the neck down.
I took one look at him, and I couldn't help myself--I burst out laughing. The others just stared. "What happened?" one asked.
His answer was priceless: "The toilet fought back."
After a moment, he explained. He couldn't find the flush handle on the toilet tank (it was on the side rather than in front). The seat was surrounded by a console filled with little buttons, all marked in Japanese, and unable to read them, he randomly pressed one... the one marked "BIDET..."
As an aside, there are a lot of Americans out there who have never used or seen a bidet. A bidet is a fixture that looks like a toilet, only with a faucet turning upward. It's for personal hygiene, and much more sanitary than just wiping with paper. Probably during a trip to Europe, a Toto engineer was impressed by the idea and decided to create a toilet seat with automatic bidet for the Japanese market. I saw a feature television program on this where the poor man faced being ostracized for his attempts at research--trying to figure out where to put and direct the nozzle for the water. Anyway, the bidet has moderate popularity in Japan, and can be found in both private homes and public restrooms. I've tried it--not bad.But I digress. He pressed the button, and as he watched, a little nozzle emerged from beneath the seat and blasted him as well as the opposite wall.Upon hearing the news, the hosts were horrified, and from that point, any of the uninitiated who had to use the facilities had an escort. But the incident broke the ice and resulted in one of the best parties I've ever attended.
All Japan stories (c) Wendy Dinsmore 2004.